Jars of Clay is not the gospel on which I stand...

I think I am in a time of discovery. I remember a time at A&M when I journaled about how God was revealing to me who He made me to be. At that time it was a new concept to not only feel passion, but to understand that I was made to be passionate. To not only feel a sense of adventure, but to see in myself an adventurous heart and mind played out in daily thoughts and actions. It was a time of growing up, I think, when I started to see who I am on my own, not who I am according to someone else. It was a pivitol time, especially in my relationship with God, seeing myself through His eyes, knowing that there were no mistakes made in me.
Now I feel like I am there again. Four or five years have passed, a long time when you're young, and I already feel so different. I am largely the same person, obviously, but my heart is different and I am seeing myself and God differently.
I am wondering exactly how God intersects my life. I know it isn't "my" life. I should say now that "He is my life". I guess that's why this blog exists though, to put away the "right" answer and say what is honest in my mind and heart.
There is a Jars of Clay song that says "You are the shelter from the rain, and the rain to wash me away." In John Piper's Desiring God, he talks about with wind, how it can comfort or it can kill. My pastor, Kevin, once told an anecdote about seeing lightning, and how watching this intense lightning storm brought him to a place of humility and worship. I sat in the pew thinking how that same lightning storm could have caused destruction and homelessness and even death to a community (leave it to me to think the worst). My point is, as the Jars of Clay song goes on to say, that God "is all I'm living for". "I need You, I need You, I need You." God is, in fact, not all I'm living for. And on any given day at any given moment I probably don't feel a need to cry out "I need you." But I desire that.
I want to know exactly where God intersects my life. That may be a bad way to put what I mean to say. He made me stubborn and independent and emotional with a passionate heart that longs for adventure (among so many other things). Those things can be bad in this world, they can mean bad things for me, they can lead to plenty of sin. Failing out of school, harsh attitudes, recklessness in relationships and with time, etc. They can also play a role in the greater purpose of who I am and how I can glorify Him by being exactly who I am (and I think taking joy in that as well). I have spent a lot of wasted time comparing myself to other women, thinking "I'm not like them." Happens fairly regularly as I do feel very different sometimes. But I am starting to believe and live the truth that I am made with such purpose. And I really do long to live that purpose out, whatever that means.

The Great I Am

I have noticed in myself that I am anxious about describing myself absolutely. For example, I feel as though I would never say "I am a photographer" just because I like to take pictures. Or "I am a writer" or "I am a painter" because I like to do such things. But why not? Why is there fear in identifying myself in that way? I feel I have to be good at what I am claiming I am. It's like I have to prove myself to others. In order to win the title of "painter" I have to successfully complete a 12-week course, produce 8 pieces of art of different styles, take a test, and have a painting hanging in a coffee shop.
It is easy to describe myself by what I do for a living "I am a vet tech" or by what I believe "I am a christian" or by obvious statements "I am a girl". But I fear that if I claim something someone else doesn't agree with ("her photos suck") I have no right to identify myself that way. And so I don't claim to be something I'm not, even though I am. And no, it doesn't have anything to do with modesty or humility.
Bottomline I find that I care too much. I think I was made with a heart for creativity and exploration. Whether or not someone likes what I write or how I play a song on the guitar or how I paint doesn't make it any less exhilirating to pick up a paint brush, to hear a chord, to let a thought unfold into language. Obviously these things do not define me. But my passion for these and other things make up so much of what and how I think, how I spend my time. And so I am going to stop saying "I like to paint" and simply call myself a "painter". It may be a meaningless distinction to make. Making it, though, is somewhat humbling as it reminds me of how intricately God created me. Would denying His design deny Him altogether?

The Beginning

Explobulary is exploritory vocabulary. A term created a few years ago with the purpose of going deep into the language of the Bible. To explore the character of God by exploring words in the Bible. Used once or a hundred times, relating directly to God's character or not, words I would never hear in America in the 21st century, etc. Mercy. Redemption. Free. Haughty. Disciple. Humility.
I called myself a christian for two years and then at Easter of my freshman year of college heard for the first time the meaning of the word "grace". It blew me away. There was a need for a basic understanding of grace. There also continues to be a deepening understanding of the truth of it. I long for that depth.
I am fascinated by words. How much they can convey and yet, at times, how unfaithful they are to express the depth of feeling. And yet I trust that God's word expresses exactly what it intends too. There is nothing left out, nothing left to the imagination, no "if only you were there, you'd understand", no need for emoticons.